Zucchini-Phobia

Death and public speaking, according to the experts, are the  two greatest fears in life. Gardeners, however,  know of something people dread even more than dying or giving speeches.  It’s a phobia that is rampant at the end of every summer when normal people exhibit unexplainable dread of that menacing  vegetable–green zucchini.  Outbreaks of zucchini-phobia begin around mid-summer and turn epidemic by the end of the growing season.

At our house, the symptoms appear after my husband comes from the garden with his annual pronouncement that the zucchini are ready.  For the next couple of weeks the small green summer squash is a tasty novelty and welcome addition to the menu.  Alas, the newness soon wears thin.   Zucchini is notoriously prolific by nature, and each plant will produce a bazillion fruit by seasons end.  Even though we pick new squash as fast as we can, more finger-length zucchini instantly appear to replace them.  Left unchecked, these fingerlings transform themselves into footballs overnight.

Our family wages a courageous battle trying to stay ahead of the game, checking the plants daily and picking anything that appears ready.  In the kitchen, I shred and sauté zucchini for use in breads, muffins and casseroles, but the unrelenting plants continue to pop out squash faster than microwaves pop popcorn.  In spite of our valiant efforts, we cannot keep the pace.  After a few weeks of fighting to keep up, we admit defeat.  After all, one family can only eat so much fresh, baked, fried, casseroled, and frozen zucchini.  We must find a new way to keep the produce moving.

Zucchini dispersal is easy early in the season.  We have several sources—friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, and passers-by.  Everyone seems delighted to receive a plump summer squash and greets us with smiles as they eagerly tuck their treasures away for the next meal.  At the office, boxes empty quickly when marked, “Free Zucchini!” and co-workers grab freshly delivered green squash when they arrive for work.  Intently focused on picking, preparing, and sharing zucchini, we are oblivious to the epidemic slowly creeping through the neighborhood…zucchini-phobia.

Attitudes have changed after a few short weeks of the nonstop barrage.  Friends no longer answer the phone, and neighbors turn off their lights when we pull into the driveway.  Our grown children refuse to come for weekends, knowing they will leave with green  hidden throughout their vehicles and in their luggage.  Co-workers suddenly seem extremely productive with no time to check the freebie box, or even walk near the break room.  When someone asks what to do with 10 cups of shredded zucchini left over from baking fifteen loaves of bread and fixing four different casseroles, I have no answer.  I can only sigh.

Tiring of a steady diet of summer squash, we decide we’ve had enough—enough zucchini and enough rejection.  Eager to end the annual nightmare, my husband pulls up the plants and we breathe a sigh of relief.  I look forward to the end of daily trips to the garden to pick zucchini and long for the return of squash-less meals.  I make plans to restore broken relationships with family and friends.  Alas, my reprieve is short-lived.  He just picked the first eggplant.