The Case against Christmas

Soon, the PC police will once again be cracking down on Christmas—nixing nativity scenes, renaming Christmas trees, and changing “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays” in an effort to protect the sensitivities of those upset by any public reference to religion.  Having followed recent societal trends, I agree—we must stamp out Christmas!

Start with the great Christmas icon—Mr. Claus, a sorry role model for children, indeed.  That jolly old elf, so chubby and plump, is hardly someone kids should emulate when their government is banning obesity-causing potatoes in school lunches.  Speaking of lunches, just how much trans-fat does Santa consume on his round-the-world cookie-eating binge?  As if Santa’s off-the-charts BMI were not enough,  consider his flaunting the law regarding non-discriminatory practices in his hiring of height-and-ear-challenged minorities, confining native antlered species in spite of wildlife protection ordinances, and failing to obtain permits to fly around the world—around the world, mind you—with eight methane-emitting reindeer.  The industrialization of the North Pole with that little toy shop in such a remote location causes one to wonder if he filed an environmental impact statement regarding the pollution of the ecosystem.  Oh, yes, ‘tis time for Santa to hang up the red suit and retire.

Frosty the Snowman is another Christmas idol whose persona begs reconsideration as an example for our children.  Not only does he smoke a corncob pipe that defiles the atmosphere and his snow lungs, one must wonder what, exactly, he’s smoking in that pipe if it makes him laugh and dance around.  They say it’s the magic in that old silk hat he found, but we all know there is no magic in the hat.  It’s just another garment shipped over from a sweatshop somewhere in China.  The children innocently follow Frosty right down the streets of town as he thumps about with those eyes made out of coal, no doubt mined without concern for carbon emission standards.  Even though he knows they are following—after all, he has been taunting them with, “Catch me if you can”—he leads them right up to the traffic cop!  Any responsible adult snowman would model proper behavior while children are watching, but Frosty runs right past the law enforcement officer even after he hollers, “Stop!”  Sadly, it is quite evident that Frosty, like Santa, must not come back again someday.

In another affront to our PC sensibilities, the treatment of Rudolf by his peers is a classic case of bullying, if ever there was one.  Not only did they refuse to let poor Rudolf play in any reindeer games, all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.  It appears that none of them knew the Three R’s of Bullying as they mocked him and refused to accept him for the reindeer he was because of his peculiar red nose.  None of them showed any concern for Rudolf’s loss of self-esteem.  Thankfully, Santa needed a light so bright to guide his sleigh one night or who knows how much harm would have been inflicted on Rudolf’s psyche.

Christmas has become a federal holiday celebrated totally outside the boundaries of political correctness.  We hang mistletoe to encourage sexual harassment and hand out candy canes to mock the disabled.  We constantly sing about being home for Christmas with a total disregard for the feelings of the homeless.  Non-organically certified Chestnuts roast on non-permit-approved open fires emitting toxic chemicals.  Perhaps the most troubling of all is the tendency to make the season bright, a time to be happy and generous.  This lack of concern for the sad and miserly among us is appalling.

Yes, we must stamp out Christmas!  Not only is it the politically correct thing to do, it would appease those tender souls offended by the sights and sounds of a religious celebration honored in countries throughout the world for centuries to celebrate the birth of Christ. Christmas has been a federal holiday in the United States since 1870.  May it continue to be filled with all the grand traditions that make it the most wonderful time of the year!